No hope.

For someone who doesn’t like things set in stone, I ironically struggled with faith and hope.

I couldn’t tangibly posses hope. I can’t control hope. I can’t force others to believe in hope. I can’t give hope to someone without them accepting it. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t.

Literally the opposite of faith.

But then, I want faith. I want hope. I want love.

I need them. These three things. To survive and navigate and thrive in this crazy world, a little bit of faith, hope, and love seem to be the ingredients to make it through.

But then, I realized these three virtues are like a gift. I can’t have hope unless I accept it. I have to accept all three into my life if I want them in it.

A gift to be utilized, not just set on the table and expecting it to “work”.

You actually have to use it.

You have to open the packaging. You have to plant the seed of hope. The seed of love. The seed of faith.

You actually have to let it grow by watering it and feeding it. Do things that help you be hopeful. Things that help you show and spread love. Things that help you have faith in yourself, others, and the world.

Believing in hope allows it to manifest. Using faith helps strengthen it. Doing things with love and releasing the things or people that keep you from genuine, honest, authentic love, will let love grow.

So the more I am actually hopeful, the more hopeful I actually become.

The more faith I have in myself and others around me, the more faithful I become.

The more I show and give love, the more open I am to receive love and the more I recognize the things and people that try to distract or take me away from the reality of authentic love.

So where is it? Where are faith, hope, and love?

We all have them. We all have the potential to use them.

We just need to learn, and then do it.

Self-Talk: I Will

I Will Succeed

I Will Fall

I Will Learn

I Will Overcome

I Will have No Regrets

I Will Perservere

I Will be Patient

I Will trust in the Journey

I Will trust in His Timing

I Will trust in His Guidance

I Will Trust.

I Will because with God, All things are Possible & Nothing is Impossible.

 

Expectations

Expectations

They got the best of me

Stressin’ me, caressin’ me

Making me think that it’s okay but

I know that life is testin’ me

So heavy.

Blame you, blame me

At the end of the day it’s my sanity

I’m tryin to save it

Tryin to give it a name to it, label it

But it’s more complicated than that

Where’s God in this?

He’s here, in everything, like it’s Heaven sent

But sometimes I get lost in my own world

What a pessimist

No, a realist, that’s what I am

Or maybe, what I claim to be

But misery is the easy option

When your strength left with your sanity

There’s nights I sleep so peacefully

But those are rare, such a gift

Then there’s nights like this

Where words won’t let go

I’m not allowed to drift

Into my sea of darkness

My comfort, my sunken place

False joy

But I know it’s because I’ve seen the Light

And my soul wants me to go

To cling to the light, see the truth

Be the best version of me

To be free from worries, cares, or fears

No expectations

Just letting life

Be

Reduced to Silence: Thank You

She reminded me of her. She was a stranger on a screen, but she reminded me of the one whose name I was given. As the scenes continued on and story progressed, I realized I was being reduced to silence. My thoughts are still loud and frequent, but my mouth has sealed shut from the gravity of it all.

She was an immigrant to a new country. She was learning a new language, new culture. She did everything to provide a better future for her children. She cleaned houses and businesses to make ends meet. She wrote. She wrote often.

It was like watching my grandmother on screen.

Sometimes I take my life and the luxuries afforded to me for granted. The youngest of my siblings and the only one born in the United States. My parents and family immigrated to this country. My father was active duty military and, due to deployments, was rarely home. My mother needed to take care of everything for the family in his absence. She worked odd jobs and any job. She went from being the supervisor at the bank in Samoa to working the graveyard shifts at the post office and going door-to-door selling Avon. My mom is a hustler. That drive must have come from her mother, my namesake.

Though there were significant differences in the movie in comparison to my own life, I couldn’t help but think of everything my grandmother and mother went through just to provide opportunities that were not available for them, for myself and my siblings. It’s humbling. It reminded me that to be still and do nothing is a waste of their efforts and my potential.

Faith in God and my Family are the two foundations I rely on the most. If I claim to love both, then I should be doing everything in my power to continuously build upon their foundations.

This was the perspective reset that I needed today. I need to remember this with each day that life brings. The time to trust in myself and my own capabilities is now.

Mama, I know you’re always with me. I know you’re guiding me. I know you walk with me through every step. Thank you. Thank you for everything. I won’t let you down.

Much love

Year of Trust

Sometimes the smoke around us becomes so thick after so long, we become comfortable in being unable to see what’s beyond the haze.

Other times we’re the frog from the example often used in science classes to display how easily we can be in danger without realizing it until it’s too late. We’re the frog sitting in a pot of water that’s being brought to a boil, but because the water is changing gradually, the frog does not recognize its own impending destruction until it’s far too late to escape – or, if it does escape, the injuries and scars will forever remain.

Before last year, everything was in a haze. Anytime the smoke would clear, I would find a way to make it cloudy again. Because, that’s what was comfortable. It was the typical story of one step forward, two steps back – except I would try to run a mile the way I run the 100 yard dash; only to exhaust myself and lay down halfway, even though I knew the finish line was closer than when I first began (Sprinting is my thing; long distance is something I’m learning to do).

Why is this the year of trust? Before last year, my hazy outlook caused me to think that I was living fully, when clearly, I was not. I didn’t trust life. I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t trust myself. I acted like I did. I said I did, but in reality, I didn’t. Self-deception is far too easy, and we do it all the time. It wasn’t until I finally let the smoke settle and clear that I realized without having trust and confidence in myself, of course I wouldn’t be able to have trust or confidence in anything or anyone else. Some people refer to it as an “aha moment”, but it’s not like that moment comes and now you can suddenly live and execute that epiphany flawlessly in your life. It takes time. It takes determination. Especially on the days when motivation is non-existent. It takes confidence in one’s own abilities. It takes me learning to persevere. To run, jog, walk, and even crawl, but to never stop moving forward.

This is the year of trust. Trusting in the moment. Trusting in the timing. Trusting in myself.

With the smoke and haze, I was petrified of the future.

Now, I’m excited.

Much love

 

If I Forget

Blessed.

Completely.

I know life likes to play games.

Make me upset.

No one leaves this world complete, or maybe some do, but, I digress.

There are people in my life,

who I swear are Heaven sent.

What did I do to deserve them?

I don’t know. Must be blessed.

Thank you, Lord, for these people,

All praise to the most high

I owe my life to You, and for each of them,

I will live this life serving, helping,

making the world brighter than when I began.

Trusting in the timing.

No more worries about my future.

I write this now because I know,

I don’t always feel the sunshine on my face

Or see the beauty within the storm,

but regardless,

I know I am blessed,

because of Jesus,

Our Christ & Lord.

Amen.